NEW DANTASTIC PRODUCTS!!!

Just in time for Christmas, we at DanCo. would like to introduce our new (and by new I mean these were made up months and in some cases years ago.) line of games perfect for office or apartment fun!

*A Note: Not all of these games we're invented by me but was in on the ground floor.

1. "Does Dan Have This?"

The point of this game is to get something you want from me. If you don't know me I guess you could play it with someone you know named "Dan" but trust me its not the same. Here's how you play.

First walk up to me and ask, "Hey Dan are you ready to play the the fantastic exciting game Does Dan Have This?"

I will then respond "Yes!" because I love to play "Does Dan Have This?"

You then ask me a series of three questions in the form of, "Does Dan have..." The first two questions are things you know I have and that I will respond yes to. The third question is something you hope I have and that you need. You win by getting three yeses in a row. Here's an example of a common game.

"Does Dan have cool Buddy Holly Glasses?" "Yes."

"Does Dan have a really big movie collection?" "Yes."

"Does Dan have some duct tape?" "Yes."

Congratulations you just won "Does Dan Have This?"

2. Secret Vote

Maximum 2 players. Do you hate having to make tough decisions, tough decisions that sometimes reflect badly on you as a person? Well then why not play a game of "Secret Vote". The next time you and your roommate or co-worker need to have to make a decision like whether to wait for recycling day or just throw your trash in the dumpster, why not play a game of secret vote? All you need to play is two scraps of paper, two pens, and a container to draw out of. You and your friend secretly write down your answer to the question on the piece of paper then place it in you ballot container. Mix up the pieces of paper to ensure complete randomness. Once the votes are thoroughly mixed up, drawn them out one at time and read the answer out loud. You win when you have a unanimous vote.

3. Find The Pig!

This is seriously my favorite game to play at work but it can easily be adapted for play in the home. The basic premise, hell the only premise is to find the pig. The pig in question here is the toy pig that comes inside a box of those novelty bacon band-aids. It's about the size of a thumb print if not smaller. To play all you need to do is agree upon a designated space in the office or in your home and hide the pig. The pig must be visible to the naked eye. You can't hide it under anything or on top of something out of sight, e.g. you can hide the pig in an open box as long as nothing is covering it. You can also tape it up. There is no points system, the game works in rounds. A round ends when someone finds the pig. The person that found the pig gets to hide it for the next round. Each "Finder" can ask for two clues, but the ability to ask for clues must be agreed upon by the "Hider" before each round begins. We've been playing the same round for at least the past four months. I pretty sure someone found it and never told anyone or it was accidentally thrown away by our cleaning lady, either way it's funny to watch my boss go looking for it in the middle of the day.

Well kiddos that's all for now. Have fun, play safe, and remember if you're going to go out in the rain make sure to wear you rubbers.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. "Find The Pig" could easily become it's own religion because when you think anout it aren't we all "looking for the pig*"?

*The Management would like to mention that the pig is utter nonsense and it's not going to play anymore.

Parents And The Lies They Tell

"Yes there is a Santa." The tooth fairy is real." "We love you." Yeah yeah yeah, spare me. I've heard it all before. I wonder if the lies my parents told me when I was growing up turned out for the better or worse.

I don't have any vivid memories about the time I first realized Santa wasn't real. Although now that I'm an adult, or at least it says so on my driver license, I'm really torn as to what I should tell my future children. (A note: If I do have children I will be because I screwed up somewhere along the way.) I enjoy the fun of make-believe as much as any body but there's something about the Santa story that doesn't sit right with me. I don't know if it's the idea of little shit head kids getting toys for free, or the fact that the people doing all the real work get none of the recognition. I don't know. The whole things feels like it should just come to an end. Kids seem to find out earlier and earlier that Santa doesn't exists. So what the harm in letting this little lie go? Sure it doesn't do any harm but it doesn't seems to do much good either.

We're only eighteen days away from Xmas and already I'm sick of it, but that'll change because deep down I love christmas.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. Plus when we get rid of Santa, we'll have room for Hanukkah Harry.

*EDIT*

If this blog didn't convince you to get rid of Santa maybe this blog will.

The Times They Are A-Changin

Slavery was abolished in this country yet it still exists today. Although we don't call it slavery anymore, no. Now we just call it an internship.

We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall overcome some day

Oh, deep in my heart

I do believe

We shall overcome some day

We'll walk hand in hand
We'll walk hand in hand
We'll walk hand in hand some day

We shall all be free
We shall all be free
We shall all be free some day

We are not afraid
We are not afraid
We are not afraid some day

We are not alone
We are not alone
We are not alone some day

The whole wide world around
The whole wide world around
The whole wide world around some day

We shall overcome
We shall overcome
We shall overcome some day

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

A Man Cannot Stay Silent Forever!

Just outside of the women's bathroom in the office where I work it seriously smells like somebody shit ranch dressing. I mean, how is that even possible? I will not point any fingers but c'mon. When I take a shit, it smells like shit not RANCH DRESSING! I don't know what's worse, the fact that there's someone capable of producing this smell or the fact that I was able to recognized the smell of shitty ranch dressing so quickly.

I'm glad I'm quitting.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

My Phone Is Dying

Funeral services will be held at the trash can nearest me the second I get a new phone. God speed little guy.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince; And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Did You Know: Part Two

A lot of the titles for the Three Stooges Movies sound like they could be titles for a line goofy gay pornos. I'm not making any of these up, I swear.

Hello Pop!
Plane Nuts
Meet The Baron
Hollywood On Parade
Hollywood Party
Turn Back The Clock
Women Haters
Punch Drunks
Men In Black
Three Little Pigskins
Horses' Collars
Restless Knights
Pop Goes The Easel
Pardon My Scotch
Three Little Beers
Ants In The Pantry
Half Shot Shooters
A Pain In The Pullman
Whoops, I'm An Indian!
Slippery Silks
Grips, Grunts And Groans
Back To The Woods
Playing The Ponies
Wee Wee Monsieur
Tassels In The Air
Violet Is The Word For Curly
Three Missing Links
Oily To Bed, Oily To Rise
Rockin' Thru The Rockies
A Plumbing We Will Go
Nutty But Nice
How High Is Up?
From Nurse To Worse
No Census, No Feeling
Some More Of Samoa
Cactus Make Perfect
Sock-A-Bye Baby
Back From The Front
A Gem Of A Jam
Idiots Deluxe
If A Body Meets A Body
Beer Barrel Polecats
Three Lone Wolves
Hold That Lion!
Pardon My Clutch
Crime On Their Hands
Who Done It?
Hokus Pokus
Dunked In The Deep
Punchy Cowpunchers
Dopey Dicks
Love At First Bite
Three Hams On Rye
The Tooth Will Out
Cuckoo On A Choo Choo
Up In Daisy Penthouse
Booty And The Beast
Tricky Dicks
Pardon My Backfire
Musty Musketeers
Shot In The Frontier
Fling In The Ring
Stone Age Romeos
Hot Stuff
Commotion On The Ocean
Muscle Up A Little Closer
Horsing Around
Guns A Poppin!
Pies And Guys
Oils Well That Ends Well

So... Yeah

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Did You Know

Clint Eastwood movies make great names for the penis. It's true, here are some examples:

Unforgiven
Blood Work
Fist Full Of Dollars
Million Dollar Baby
Pink Cadillac
Absolute Power
Pale Rider
Heartbreak Ridge
City Heat
Sudden Impact
Bronco Billy
Firefox
Honkytonk Man
Any Which Way You Can
Any Which Way But Loose
The Guantlet
The Enforcer
The Beguiled
Dirty Harry
The Eiger Sanction
Thunderbolt And Lightfoot
Breezy
Magnum Force
Two Mules For Sister Sara
Paint Your Wagon
Coogan's Bluff
The Magnificent Stranger
Where Eagles Dare
Francis In The Navy
The Rookie
White Hunter Black Heart
Tightrope
The Outlaw Josey Wales

This game works best with movies Clint has starred in, not his directorial efforts. Think about it, "Changeling" just sounds unsettling, on the other hand so does "Blood Work". So... yeah.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

THE QUIZ-Where Do You Fit In?

I like questions that define people. Simple one or the other type question that speak volumes about the person answering them. Here is a list of some 20 random and not so random questions. See if we match.

1. Elvis Or The Beatles? The Beatles

2. The Beatles Or The Rolling Stones? The Beatles

3. The Rolling Stones Or The Who? The Who

4. Mick Jagger Or David Bowie? David Bowie

5. Aerosmith Or Van Halen? Aerosmith (Van Halen SUCKS)

6. Kansas Or Fleetwood Mac? Neither

7. Marvel Comics Or DC? DC (Although I do love Daredevil)

8. John Wayne Or Jimmy Stewart? Jimmy Stewart

9. Schwarzengger Or Stallone? Stallone

10. Butch Cassidy Or Cool Hand Luke? Cool Hand Luke (This question is simply about character not the movie.)

11. Shower in the morning Or At night? Night... Ladies

12. George Carlin Or Richard Pryor? Carlin (This one was close)

13. Homebody Or Night owl? Night Owl

14. Monty Python Or SNL? Monty Python

15. Godfather 1 Or 2? Godfather 1

16. Movie at the Theater Or On DVD? Theater

17. Boxers Or Briefs? Both thanks to Boxer-Briefs

18. Nickelodeon Or The Cartoon Network? Nickelodeon

19. Pinky and The Brain Or Animaniacs? Pinky and The Brain

20. Star Wars Or Indiana Jones? Indiana Jones

What do these questions have to do with anything? Absolutely nothing. What do they mean? I don't know, I'm not the facebook. This isn't that kind of quiz. Like this entire blog it is a waste of time.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

So I guess I'm kinda good at writing gay romance novels. Who knew?

This is a gay romance I wrote about my stations engineer and our weatherman. I changed the relative names and locations to protect the identities of those involved.

Weathering Heights
A Tale Of Stormy Passion
By Chet Huntly

I will always remember the day Steve came into my life. It was late October. The leaves on the trees had already turned to beautifully rich shades of red, orange and yellow. The cool autumn morning made me grateful for the fact that I was wearing my zip-up fleece and corduroy pants. I had just gotten home from KTVM where I had read the weather for the day. Miranda was still at the station and would be for some time. I like to take this time to by myself and reflect how truly happy I am with Miranda. That was of course until I met Steve. While I was sitting alone in my living room quietly crying to myself; suddenly there was a knock on the door. I took a moment to compose myself then answered the door.

Standing in the doorway was the cool drink of water I would come to know a Hurricane Steve. Steve had been in Townsville to work with KTVM’s engineer. A recent rain shower had knocked out our digital transmitters and people couldn’t get their weather updates on the fives. But there was no need for updates for there would be only one 7 day forecast; “Hot and Lusty with a 100% Chance Of Passion.”

Steve played it cool and casual like a Saturday afternoon in April. He told me his truck had broken down right in front of my house. He asked if he could come in a call for a tow. I could see the cell phone in the pouch he had clipped to his belt. He didn’t need to use the phone. I knew exactly what he was after. Just before I closed the door I looked up in the sky, where just minute ago it had been partly cloudy with a twenty percent chance of rain, now the sky was full of cumulonimbus clouds that’s threatened stormy skies ahead. Today would not be a Goldie Locks day, no. There was fire in the skies above us, and the only thing that would quell it would be our unbridled passion.
I walked into the kitchen where Steve was on the telephone, he was having trouble finding a tow truck. I stood next to the cabinet where Miranda allows me to keep my all of my tears. She can always find the traces of my sadness and when she does I must spend at least two hours in the quiet closet while Miranda decides how she will punish me. So we came to the agreement that I could cry as long as I didn’t make a mess.

Steve turned and saw me standing there. He looked me up and down then said, “I can’t get anyone on the phone. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I told him, “Well we can worry about what you’re gonna do later. Right now we need to get your truck off the road and under some cover. There’s a storm coming and I’d hate to see any harm come to your truck… or you.”
We raced outside to the truck and like the Olympians before us we pushed the truck up into the drive way. In this moment I was Zeus and Steve my Hercules. With every inch we moved the lumbering beast forward our muscles burned, every tissue like a forest fire given to utter desolation. Beads of sweat raced down our backs as we continued onward; just as we approached the driveway; winds came blowing in from the south, south east at 45mph and in a flash, sheets of rain poured down on us soaking us to the core. Lighting shattered all around us. We had no choice but to abandon the truck and look to our own safety.

Back inside the house Steve and I stood in foyer. Our clothes were sopping wet and with the sudden drop in temperature outside we needed to heat things up inside. We stood silently waiting for the other to make the first move. Our barometric pressure was rising, there was a storm brewing in this house as well. Then before we both knew what had happened we were locked in embrace. The eruption of our desires came bursting forth like the peak Mount St. Helens. I tore open Steve’s short sleeve plaid button up shirt. His chest hair was thick and rich like the North Dakota prairie which I have visited many times on my Hippy Dippy Day Trips (Books & DVD available at your local News Station). I ran my fingers through like a combine during the harvest, but I would not, could not deface this Adonis standing before me.

A brief moment of tenderness came as Steve gently blew in my ear. The cool air from his lips was just like an Alberta clipper that brought a shiver to my spine. As Steve began to gently lay me down on the bear skin rug that I like to bring out for such occasions; there came a crash of thunder. The house went dark, but neither Steve nor I noticed. There were no lights but we didn’t need any to know what to do. Our bodies were like extensions of each other’s forming to make one perfect being, not unlike dual F2 tornados combining to create a larger destructive force. A destructive force was what our lust was and after a whole 7 ½ minutes of love making (Personal best, thank you) I looked around only to find that the entire interior of my house had been destroyed. When I realized what I had done and there was no way of ever explaining this to Miranda, I curled into a ball and went to my sad place. I cried out, “What am I going to do when Miranda gets home? She’s going to kill me.” It was at this moment both Steve and I heard the cracking, then with a thunderous force the sycamore tree that had added a lovely decorative touch to the back yard came crashing into the living room. The house was destroyed but the evidence of my tryst with Steve was now lost amongst the wreckage.

Steve collected himself and left. Not with words but with a look that said more than words ever could; the shared joy of our moment together and the sadness at the realization that that it was never to be repeated. I watched from the doorway as Steve walked to his pickup. He climbed in and with the turn of a key, what was once a cold dead homunculus roared back to life; full of youth and vitality. As Steve drove away I noticed a single tear run down my cheek. It would be all I would weep for my Hercules.

Harper Collins, the ball is in your court now.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Shakespeare with cusses

HBO's Deadwood was an amazing show. I can't come up with a single flaw. It redefined the western genre in my opinion. It showed the American frontier as an even harsher wasteland than the Leone's, Peckinpah's, Ford's, & even the Eastwood's ever did. The town of Deadwood as shown in the TV series was uncompromising in it's brutality. The land was cold and harsh, rich with gold but hell to get it out. The people of the town would rather shoot ya than look at ya. The worst of what America had to offer had settled there. Deadwood was a pot ready to boil over.

A lot of westerns showed the west as cruel and unforgiving especially those of Peckinpah and Leone, but what they never did was use language like this show did. It's use of some of the most eloquent prose of the past century mixed with the most vile disgusting language to spew out of anybodies mouth made the shown truly unique. It made the west even more real, even though I've heard a lot of complaints from history snobs saying people back then didn't really use words like fuck and cunt. I don't care, it makes for good television.

One of the stand out scenes of the series was from season one. It's shows the show's main antagonist Al Swearengen explaining how he came to bea nd reveals his childhood all while getting a blowjob. Ian McShane is so briliant here. It takes something that would become the focus in most other situation, the blowjob, and makes it almost incedental. As a viewer you forget there's fellatio happening because your so caught up in the performance, but what make it great is the moment in the scene where you realize he's been delivering this amazing speech all while getting a blowjob. At the end of the episode you have to take a moment to realize what you just watched and great it truly was.

Deadwood was and is amazing.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. The one thing that does suck about Deadwood and its not the show's fault is that the DVD's are so expensive. $80 a pop. I got the entire series in one go thanks to a great deal on amazon. It came out to about half price for each season. Well worth it in my opinion. Thank you amazon.com.

Duality

Duality-the state or quality of being two or in two parts; dichotomy

Yin & Yang, Heads & Tails, Balance & Movement these are examples of duality. Although I believe there to be a better representation of duality and it lies within the muscle pain reliever IcyHot. Not only are we dealing with opposite ends of the temperature spectrum, Hot & Cold, like the slogan says, "Icy to dull the pain, and hot to relax it away." But there is more going on with IcyHot than simply its use of hot and cold. For you see IcyHot is not merely a pain reliever but also a pain inducer.

For years I have enjoyed IcyHot as an effective cure for muscle pain but recently I discovered that there is too much power contained within its tube to be used simply for good. IcyHot in the wrong hand or in my case sleepy inattentive can be used for evil and the cause of great pain. What follows is one man's harrowing story in the face of a disaster disguised in an over the counter cure.

A few weeks ago I went out to the movies with some friends. I had been walking with a limp because I had injured myself bowling the night before at a friend's bachelor party. When I arrived at the theater I discovered that my movie was being shown in the upstairs theater. Steps in the past few hours had become a real pain, since I was not sure how to properly favor the other leg. I made it up with no problems, just the sight of me awkwardly limping. After the movie was done I had a slight moment of panic when I remembered how much it hurt to walk down the stairs of my apartment. I figured that I would be fine and the way to deal most muscle pain is to simply walk it off. I was wrong because the first step I took down the stair, my leg buckled and slipped out from underneath me. I landed hard, right on my tailbone. It didn't help that I slid all the way down the steps. There was a mother of two with us, her first reaction was one of shock and concern, but true to male fashion I jump right up with an "I'm alright." I was not alright. I turned down a ride home, the ride offered was not because of my now broken butt, but simply because these friends had drove. I declined saying I live to close to the theater to justify a ride. This was a mistake I soon realized. Walking on a bum led and a broken ass made the four and a half block walk seem like Lawrence of Arabia. I got home hoping to find relief by lying down. No every position I found myself in was one of excruciating agony. For about a week the pain continued making work very difficult seeing as how I could only manage to sit for about thirty minutes at a time.

Then one day a friend offered me a tube of IcyHot. Later that night I applied the rub to my tender tailbone. The sensation was normal cool and minty at first then hot yet soothing. I continued to apply the cream about every couple of days until one fateful application. I usually use the IcyHot right before I go to be that way people don't have to deal with me smelling like an old man all day. So I'm in just my underpants (this is important trust me, also sorry for the visual for those that know what I look like.) and I put the IcyHot on my tailbone being careful not to hit the crack of my ass. Then without thinking, probably because I was tired, I went to adjust my balls. Panic hit me like a ton of bricks with the realization of what I had just done. I stood silence hoping that maybe I had gotten all traces of the IcyHot off of my hand. I hadn't. It started with a tingle, a mild discomfort to the sensitive area of my person. I resigned myself to my fate and waited for the burn. It came on hard and fast. The my rad chilies were on fire. The stinging heat felt as though I voluntarily dipped my balls in acid. I cursed God, then myself for being so stupid. I writhed in pain for the next hour as the heat rub ran its course. I tried to focus my mind elsewhere but the pain was too intense. I wished I could rust rip my dick and balls off but my desire to have sex again kept my head cool. Eventually the sensation wore off and I was able to fall asleep. But I will be forever scarred with the memory off my burning balls.

Duality- the state of or quality of being two or in two parts; dichotomy.

I can't win

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

I am going to die alone.

Prove me wrong ladies.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. When I wrote the title I was set to write a long, depressing diatribe about my sad pathetic life and my failures with women, but I realized I just wasn't ready to kill this blog. You're welcome.

This has been bothering me for quite some time.

The fact that the word palindrome is not a palindrome.

I know I'm not alone on this...

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Life is often what you make of it.

Whenever I hear the term "Beer Gardens" I immediately go back to what I thought when I was a child. A Beer Garden was a magical place where children weren't allowed. I imagined a beautiful tropical place where moms and dads sat in luxury and comfort and drank this magical other-worldly elixir. It seemed like this little secret tucked away where only those who have survived enough winters knew about. Where did they go? Having walked the grounds of the state fair I never saw this imagined eden. I always dreamt of the day that I would be old enough and one of my elders would usher me into their fraternity. Then sometime after my 22nd birthday I had my world shattered. It turns out the "Beer Garden" is just a place where assholes go to drink tall boys and listen to shitty music. Man childhood in no way prepared me for the challenges of adult life.

Lesson: Be honest with your kids, within reason.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

We make a lot of mistakes, the important thing is to admit when we're wrong

Remember Snapple, I do. Snapple used to be one of the biggest things in the mid-nineties or at least that's how I remember it. Snapple was one of those amazing products that mainlined itself right into the heart of America's consumer pop-conscious. It seemed to be everywhere, but now it's faded into the forgettable. What caused this to happen? Why do certain things just seem to slip away? Is it because consumer's continue to have a much larger choice when choosing beverages? Are we merely ment to keep up with the newest and and most poular trend? Could it be that Snapple was never that good to begin with or that it couldn't live up to the hype it created for it self?

I vaugely remember the first time I tried Snapple. I had their apple juice. To this day I love apple juice. I chose Snapple because of the advertising, the commercials they ran were people trying Snapple for the first time and being blown away by what an amazing drink it was. It seemed as though this drink could change the way I looked at the world, like somehow after I drank it I would be that much closer to becoming an adult. I would see the world on the same level as my parents did. But this did not happen. I drank the sugar water and my life went on, with no significant change. I was still me yet I felt a sense of loss.

As I look back on my childhood I feel as though this happened quite a lot. I can't quite describe what it really is other than the feeling that the world has just gotten a bit smaller, because of some tiny event that holds no significance yet leaves the you much wiser than you ought to be.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. I swear when I started writing this I was determined to make if funny. Sorry if this was a bummer.

Wow... Just Wow!

So apparently I was really pissed of with God last week. Well that'll happen when you live like I'm forced to live. I promise the next five post will be somewhat humorous.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

It's A Sign

(Before I start I just want to say I am not an athiest. I'm not one of those smug angry know-it-all anti-christians. I was rasied catholic but now I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. Open to spirituality but in no way religious. A lot of people might say I'm agnostic but to be honest I'm not a fan of the term I'm not sure of anything and I'm comfortable with that. Everyday I'm figuring it out. It's like a test and I don't have to put my pencil down till I'm dead. This little thing here is just kind of a venting for me that comes from living in a extremely religious christian dominant community and a lot of the things people say around here really scare me. I'm not trying to piss people off here but if your sensitive about your beliefs and don't like to be questioned don't read this and go fuck yourself.)

Have you ever noticed that most christians seem to think something is a sign form God when its for something good. You always hear about things like, when someone survives a horrible accident with only minor injuries, "God must have saved them." Or someone is late for a meeting but something delayed the meeting so now they're on time. It couldn't possibly be that it was luck or coincidence. Christians don't see the negative in god when oh lets say... there's a severe thunderstorm at an outdoor cancer benefit. Cause when you think about it seems like God is saying, "No! I will stop you because I made cancer in my own image." So it seems really what's happening is God is trying to aid cancer in its attempt to kill all it sees. Am I wrong? If God is in control of everything, if our fate is in It's hands, then why is God not attributed to all things that happen. It's like people don't want to admit how fragile their beliefs really are. If they did that their faith would become all the more beautiful. Because the smaller and more fragile & delicate something gets the more treasured it becomes.

The only time you hear God's name thrown around when something bad happens is when a baby or very young child dies. Although rarely do you hear people cursing God, no. what most people tend to say is "God in all "his" infinite wisdom must have had a reason for this child." What if the reason was god is a cave troll and like to feast on the bones of little children. There's no wisdom in a cave troll God. If anything that God is evil and we'll need some gallant knight to slay it. The problem there is most knights were servants of God. So what does that accomplish. Or the more likely scenario God like It's priests, is a pedophile.

Either way I don't want to get fucked or eaten.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. Why the hell do we call God "Him"? Is God A man? It thought God was God.

Are you there God, It's me Dan?

An open letter to God

Dear God,

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?... WELL... C'MON YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I'M READY, WHAT DO YOU GOT? DO YOUR WORST. I'M NOT SCARED CAUSE I'M RUTHLESS & ROOFLESS. I AIN'T NEVA GONNA BACK DOWN. I'M HARDCORE! I'M STREET! BOOM! YUMMY! STEP OFF HOLMS. WHA'CHEW GOT? HUH?

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

What the hell is wrong with people?

It really irks me that the Saw film franchise is so successful.

That's all I've got at the moment.

I can't win.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

I'm totally getting paid to write this shit.

I write these at work so when you think about it I am kind of getting paid to write this. I'm currently employed as a TV commercial producer for a small station in North Dakota, the place where everything goes to die. I wouldn't consider myself a bad employee but a lazy one, yes. I like to think of fucking off at work to be a kind of an art form. How do I make it look as though I'm so busy I couldn't possibly help with any other project that is going on. Well if you'd like to be like me here's some tips to help you get away with murder at work.

1. Office setup is key

If you work in a cubical I'm not sure if I can help you. Cubicles seem to be designed so your boss can look over you shoulder sometimes with you knowing. On the other hand if you're an office dweller I believe I can help. The key is to set up your office so no one can see what you're doing. Arrange your desk so when you sit at it you face the door. That way anyone that walks to talk to you will see you looking at the computer and assume you're working. If they want to walk around to see what you're working on make sure to follow this next step.

2. Tabbed browsing is a slacker's best friend

I could kiss the genius that invented tabbed browsing. Thanks to this little gem I'm just seconds away from making it look as though I'm "just checking my email" when in reality I was probably reading achewood or a Wikipedia article about Riot Grrl. 

3. Always be kind of working

If you've got a project to work on, keep going back to it about every ten minutes; that way if some one catches you off guard you can always say you were actually working. Remember the key to the slacking off at work is to do enough work to look like you're actually doing your job.

4. Be aware of your surroundings

When I'm at work I have ears like a safe cracker. The office building I work in is fairly small so I can here when someone is walking out of their office towards mine. These few seconds are all I need to get myself in motion where it looks as though I'm shuffling between things in my office. This also helps me when I stand around talking with our secretary. Anytime the door opens I make the quick slide so it looks like I'm just walking into somewhere from somewhere important. Being aware of you surrounding also means knowing who else is in the office with you. Keep in mind while you're having a bitch session about the boss, the person three doors down may not share your opinion and may feel like sharing it with the boss. 

5. Look like shit

Not shaving has lightened my work load more than once. A somewhat disheveled look can suggest to your coworkers that maybe you're a bit over worked at the moment.

Please don't hire me. I'll only make more work for you when you have to fire me.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

The Random Questions On This Site Are BULLSHIT!

Not the questions themselves but the fact that there is a character limit. A character limit is like a literary straitjacket and to quote Freddy Mercury "I want to break free."

I tried to answer this question but Blogger.com would not except it.

Q: Why is raspberry flavor blue when raspberries are red?

A: Well back 1856 Ol' John Raspberry, inventor of the automated chimney sweep, was listening to his brand new phonograph when a time traveling Charles Lindbergh crashed his propeller glider machine into John's living room. John Raspberry offered the confused Lindbergh an warm glass of vinegar and flax seed oil, a popular evening spirit at the time. Lindbergh exclaimed he was from the future and had to leave. Raspberry pleaded with Lindbergh to help repair his broken domicile. Lindbergh being a know lout, scoundrel, flim-flamster, jumped in his whirlybird and took off to safer skies. Raspberry's home would now be in a permanent state of distress because he was honor bound to convince the intruder to repay his debt by repairing the damage done. Having failed to do so Raspberry's house was to remain in shambles for the rest of his family's days. This caused Raspberry to become depressed or as the term was eventually coined-BLUE. Raspberry is Blue.

I can't win.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

The Mind is a Mysterious & Powerful Thing

Do you ever feel like your brain is purposefully trying to trip you up. I feel like that all the time. The worst time for me is when when I'm having a conversation with a woman and I'm completely engaged in what she is saying the out of nowhere my eyes shift to her breasts. Then I think "Oh god I don't want this girl thinking I'm a creep that can't have a conversation without ogling her." Then because I thought that, I can't stop trying not to look like I'm looking at her breasts. So I do all the dumb things like avoid eye contact or try to look at nothing but the eyes. I'm pretty sure that the woman I'm speaking with knows what's going on and It's just as awkward for her as it is for me. 

The worst part is I'm a seasoned breast man. I have a fine appreciation for boobs. For me its not about size but proportion/ shape/ weight. So it's safe to say I send a fair amount of time checking out women's blouses, but not all the time. As a seasoned breast man (23 years for those counting), my feelings about breast go far beyond the breast themselves. I like to consider how the breasts relate to the rest of the person's physical attributes, and beyond that how they relate to the person's personality. For me breast are one of the windows to the soul. So sometimes when I'm talking to a girl and I want to actually get to know them and I notice their boobs, I train wreck. What was moments ago a decent conversation I am now trying to end it as satisfying as possible so the girl doesn't think I'm a creep.

This is just the tip of the iceberg that is my psyche which keeps me from having somewhat normal interactions with people around me. All I can say is thank you to the my friends that put up with me and my shit.

I can't win.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. "I can't win" feels like it's going to be my mantra on this blog.

ITS A SATCHEL!

When I see how far we've come I have to stop and look at how far we still have to go. Although I thought we had progressed beyond the point of making fun of a man for wearing a satchel. Anytime I wear a satchel I can't go fifteen minutes without someone making a "Heh, nice purse." joke.

Now I would like to say that I am comfortable enough in my masculinity/ sexuality, whatever you wanna call it, to say that I have no problem with the idea of a man wearing a purse. Sometimes I got a lot of crap to carry around and it would be nice to have more than a wallet to put it all in. What I have a problem with is that other people aren't cool with the idea. A satchel is functional people. Of the two I own neither were a fashionable purchases, hell I didn't even purchase them. I stole one from the lost and found from my work a few years ago. In my defense the bag was there for a week and if you don't care enough to claim it after that it never "really" belonged to you. That bag is an unfashionable black and dark green nylon affair. No one in there right mind would even mistake it for a purse, but since its a bag with a shoulder strap people gotta give shit. Even tough it not much to look at its comfortable as hell. The strap was the perfect length when I took it. Its got a ton of pockets to put crap and since I left a unwrapped cigar in one of the pouches it smells like delicious tobacco.

The other satchel I own is used. It was given to me by my brother and is made of really worn nice leather. Its like the kind of satchel the Indiana Jones would have used; Indiana Jones one of the toughest dudes around. When Indy wears a satchel no one gives him shit but when I've got to walk somewhere and I've got some books I need to carry and I use a satchel because a backpack is a little too big, people ask me, "Hey that's a nice purse, does it come in men's styles?"

I can't win.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

P.S. I'm not a dude that knows fashion and what not. In fact I couldn't give less of a shit about what's in style. Its a waste of time and money, and the fashionistas are the some of the most shallow empty people on the planet. My feeling on clothes is as long as there's something is covering my three piece collectors set I'm happy.

The DanCo. Promise

As a young company I have found it is important to let consumers and investors know what we're all about. So I give you the DanCo. Promise of Quality.

I promise DanCo. will:

Smile at you when walking down the street

Consider giving a dollar to a homeless if they are entertaining

Offer only the best imaginary products I can think of

Introduce new words into the lexicon i.e.( Dantastic, Brazanties-the bra & panties, & Dan do-like can do but with a "D")

I promise DanCo. will not:

Have a sex scandal unless the person is unanimously hot

Take naked pictures of you and post them on the internet. I have a dummy corporation for that.

Hit on your mom unless she's hot or its really funny

I promise with these promises this company will become one of the most successful companies ever conceived by me. Thank you.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

The DanCo. promise is subject to terms and availability and is not valid in the states of Alabama, Utah, Maine & Alaska.

A Common Bond Will Unite Us

As I watch the news and I hear about all the horrible things being fought over and that continue to divide us, I there is something I can take solace in. Some thing that will always unite us as human beings... our hatred of Nazis.

No matter what happens or how we feel about each other we can still come together to despise those genocidal douche bags.

Take courage in the days to come and know that Nazis are and will always be assholes.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

I Bet I Would Make A Great Alcoholic Dad

Let me just start by saying as man in his late-early twenties/ early-mid twenties, I'm not sure which at the moment I need to look at a calendar, I am not a fan of children. If you're between the ages of 0-18 I find that I cannot communicate or relate to you or I find you annoying and think your music is dumb. I also understand that I was probably hard to relate to or annoying when I was that age; Its a part of growing up dammit. Children honestly scare the shit out of me sometimes. 

At the TV where I work we do a Santa Show every year. The show is basically a half hour of little shits sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what they want for Christmas. Riveting TV no? But when I go into the studio with them and they all surround me, I feel myself quite literally on the verge of a panic attack. Just the thought of being pulled down into the sea of runny noses and partially toothless grins is enough to make my skin crawl.

Putting these fears aside, I figure if I ever wind up having a kid one day I consider it my obligation to make sure that kid grows up funny. Not funny ha ha mind you but funny like touched in the head. Here are some of my plan to screw up my child/ children's life.

1. I will give them a name the will grow to resent me for.

Giving my kid a name that will stand out on the first day of school and make them an outcast is a key part of making my child of source of entertainment for me. A list of possible names: Gizby, Barnabues, Iwetmybedlastnight, Legal Obligation, Benalith.

2. I plan to teach my child/children to speak wrong. 

Kids learn to talk by mimicking what those around do. My plan is the throw the english language out the window and see what happens. I'm still not sure how complicated I want to get, though at the moment I think I'll just use simple substitution like, "Look what you banana bread! Shower head am soo table at you right pancake! Kindergarten this mess right pancake!" The trick is going to be caring enough to do this everyday.

3. I will my child/children crave my approval.

The backbone to truly great alcoholic parenting in my opinion is the ability to be mean but have moments of sounding like a caring parent. Picking the right moment can be the difference between the kid running away from home at 12 and the kid on an analysts couch for the rest of their life. I plan to set aside all rhyme and reason when I come to congratulating my kids on their achievements. For Example

"Dad I just won the spelling bee!" "So that doesn't change the fact that you're the reason your mother left."

"Hey sport I just wanted to say the way you made my drink the other day was just great. Keep it up. I'm proud of you. I know you're gonna do great things." Moments laters as the child brings me another drink, "What the hell do call this shit. Its a rum & coke! Its almost impossible to fuck it up. But you found a way. You always find a way to screw things up. You know you're the reason why I drink."

4. I will NOT ever hit my kid/kids

Its not my style. Verbal abuse should be enough to get the job done.

My hope is my parenting will be so shoddy that the state just takes responsibility for me.

Ladies... I'm single.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

The Delicate Art Of Taking A Public Dump

I wrote this one a while ago but I though I should share it.

Here are some helpful tips the next time you need to poo in a public area.

1. The Courtesy Flush- A very important technique that should be applied to all public restroom visits. For years there has a great been debate as to what a courtesy flush is intended for. Is it when you flush away the early remains of your poo to cut down on the inevitable offensive oder, or is it when you flush for a second time after you've completed your excremental foray to assure that any and all leaving are gone for good. This argument has been dividing families ever since the creation of the term "john". "But what is the answer?" You may ask. Turns out its both. Now I know that nowadays its "groovy" to want to save the planet and go all "green" but when you are in public or the home of a friendly acquaintance you need to put your environmental concerns aside because when you find yourself in a public poo situation you're gonna be asking yourself what more important saving the planet or saving face? Answer- The latter. Even the dirtiest hippies want to make a good impression. So on your next rip to the stall feel free to flush away. A proper public dump should consist of at least 5-7 flushes to ensure maximum shame free pooping.

2. The Crap Gasket*- Ladies are more inclined to use this one. The crap gasket is a technique use to cut down on the noise created when dropping a deuce. How many time have you found yourself going to sit on the porcelain throne and you think you're in for a quick, quiet & discreet poo and the next thing you know your conducting for the Cleveland Brown's whole marching band. When you use this little trick you'll never have to worry about the next time you feel like listening to the band. Unravel some the toilet paper from the roll and pack it in tightly between the bowel and the rim creating a sound proof chamber sealed by your ass. This technique is also wasteful but fellas remember when I said ladies are more inclined to use this one, well have you ever noticed how fast a roll toilet paper seems to disappear hen you share a home with a woman?

3. The Digital Canary*- Whoa whoa whoa what's with all this fancy schmancy machinery you're try'n to sell me here. Not at all, all you need to do is take a step back to the stone ages for a second on this next tip. Much like how real canaries were use in mining to detect harmful natural gas so too can you nose be used for the same purpose. The digital canary is the simplest tool in your arsenal. All that is required of you is to simply hold one of your nostrils closed with a free hand from the moment you enter the lavatory. Then once you've finished with your depositing open your nose, you should notice it has a much stronger sense than the nostril that has been sniffing the air since your excursion began. This techniques basic function is to help you how to handle your post game.

4. Matches- Simple, Compact- & Effective. It's strange to think that the first invention of man, specifically fire, has proven to reinvent its usefulness time and time again. Now most men and a few hep ladies already know the importance of matches for use in the bathroom. But this article is not for the educated it is for the uneducated so step off smarties. Matches are one of the most powerful tools you can use to knock out the smell of even the most horrific poos. Know I know what you must be thinking to yourself, "oh what the hell's he talking about? does he expect me to carry around matches every time I need to drop a deuce? No Way, besides those things smell. Why don't I just carry around a bottle of potpourri?" Well smarty pants potpourri might make your house smell nice but when potpourri goes head to head with poo, it doesn't make things smell nice it just makes it smell like some one took a dump in a flower garden that stings your nose and makes you sneeze. You know this to be true. Matches-1 Potpourri-0

5. Lighten Up- Bathrooms are gross places. In fact that is their sole purpose. People go into them to piss & shit & fart & pick their nose ect. For whatever gross thing the human body does there is a bathroom. Next time your dropping some kids off at the pool outside of the comfort of your own home remember odds are there's some else in the stall right next to you worrying about the same things you are. So lighten up, you gotta poop, go poop. Lord knows when you hold it in you're in for trouble later. Right? Yeah, we've all been there, you're in public and you gotta drop one but you don't want to use the bathrooms so you wait. The next thing you know there's pressure building and you gotta fart real bad but you don't cause you're embarrassed. Then it starts to hurt and you think your gonna die on the card ride home. As soon as you pull into the drive way all you can think about in sitting on that throne but you don't want to run cause if you do that shit's* gonna come flying out of you. so you take little awkward stupid steps up the stairs, which is killing you by the way, and you finally make it to the bathroom and you sit down on the toilet and you spend the next forty five minute to an hour sitting there with all this pressure but nothings gonna come out after the first cannon fire out your anus. maybe a couple of times you think its over and you stand up but the feeling hits you again and you have to sit back down but you've already put your pant's back on, so there another little inconvenience. And that shit burns don't it? Yeah boy. So the moral of the story is when you gotta poop don't wait just poop.

6. Port-A-Johns- I avoid these mother fuckers like the plague. All that stuff I said about poop when you gotta poop, not with these fuckers. You're at the county fair and you gotta drop one and all they got is these things JUST SAY NOOOOOO! You sit in one of those bad boys get ready to get like ten kinds of herpes and all sorts of aids. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

*The crap gasket and the digital canary were from achewood. You aint heard of achewood, check it out www.achewood.com 
*"shit" is not meant to be shit but stuff*
*That "stuff" being shit.

I'm Just Coming To Terms With The Fact That I'm The Weird Office Guy

You never think its gonna be you, but thats the kind of thinking that leads to office weirdness. I mean it's kind of like being the black sheep of the family. You look around and you think to yourself "Hey everyone I'm related too is leading pretty great lives. They all own homes, hold down steady good paying jobs, they have no outstanding arrest records, they don't drive a van. We're pretty lucky that we don't have any screw-ups in the fam... waaaiiit a second." I am not the black sheep in my family by the way. I dodged that bullet. I could say who they are but in a effort to keep christmas as uncomfortable as it already is I am going to keep quiet. However I am the office weird guy and I guess I've always been, although until now it's never really hit me. 

Let me try and explain how this sad existence came to be. My first job was as a dietary aide at a nursing home with mostly cute girls and a friend of mine. My buddy, who thankfully is less weird than me, gets my schtick or at least he has always been a big enough dude to laugh when I make a funny. There were also a few of the girls that thought my quirkiness was funny. So yeah. Then I worked on a maintenance crew with all jockey dudes that liked shitty cuntry music. The good and bad thing was I always got/had to work alone. So there were no real opportunities to spread weirdness. Then I was the night manager at a hotel. So it was just me and our porter. Yeah I was strange there but the porter had an off beat sense of humor as well. We got along great. I would do things like, when he got to work I would pretend that everything was in slow motion. He would slap me upside the head and say something in spanish. He knew he could say anything mean or otherwise because I still can speak the language. DAMN YOU HIGH SCHOOL LANGUAGE CLASSES. Wait that was my fault too. Anywho, now I'm working at a TV station in a rural community, with a staff of mostly middle aged women. They do not get me and I don't get them. It's a tense stand off at the moment. People are nice and smile but under the surface I feel as though they are just waiting to throw my ass in a blender.

So yeah, after going along thinking everything was cool, that I was totally approachable. I'm weird. Just tact a plate to my forehead so people can read it upon meeting me. The worst part is now that I know I'm the weird guy I can't stop. It's almost like I'm testing myself to see how I can outdo myself. One day I'm doing my Barney The Dinosaur impression where I say really dirty stuff, the next I'm writing an uncomfortably erotic gay fan-fiction about my station weatherman and our engineer. Sure its funny sometimes, but I'm afraid that I've removed the filter and the crazy is just gonna keep coming.

I need a new job. 

Then maybe, just maybe I can start a new office life. 

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

C'mon porno it's time to get your head out of your ass

Unless you're making a fetish video. No seriously.

Now I know for a fact that anyone who has ever spent a least 35 seconds on the internet has seen porn in some form or another, be it low res jpegs of girls flashing a camera phone or high quality streaming full length videos. So basically, what I'm saying should not be totally lost on you. Porn is basically the easiest money maker on the planet more so than energy services, auto manufacturers, communications services the list goes on. The simple fact of the matter is people are going to pay to see people fuck. There are some websites out there that charge around $30 a month sometimes more for access. Now that's about as much as people are paying for the internet service that provides them with the ability to buy porn. Don't even get me started on what is cost to buy a single video or dvd in a store, $30 and up. That kind of markup is insane, especially when you consider what the average cost to produce and distribute a single movie is.

The following is a list of a few simple suggestions for the pornography industry to help clean up their act and hopefully give a little back to the consumers that help buy them all those private jets they love to ride in.

1. Get rid of the creepy ugly guy.

You know the one I mean. The guy with uncomfortably too much body hair and the sleazy attitude. I do not share this man's joy about getting to rail the dumb blonde they convinced $50 is good money to appear in a porno. Yes these men are well endowed but that should not be the only requirement for appearing in an adult film. Also porno get rid of the scumbags that are not necessarily ugly but sure are creepy. The dudes that seem to have never left the frat-house mentality behind. It's hard to enjoy two people boning while the guy is douchely high-fiving every other dude within arms reach. If your objective as a porno is to help the viewer project themselves into the scene, do you really think its beneficial to have your subject be so uncomfortable to watch that the viewer has to contemplate weather or not stop their current jerk session and just read a random Wikipedia article instead?

 

2. Is it that hard to to add a little production value?

I speak of the pornos that are filmed on a cheap video camera in some nasty home or apartment. It's clear that has been no attempt to even make the room presentable. A dirty couch or bare mattress are not really preferable spots to watch people do ultimate hugs. This is the kind of environment that crack addicts fuck in. This may just be me but I find the idea of banging in a crack den to be one of the more unsettling ideas I can think of. Which brings me to my next point...

3. Don't hire "Actors" or "Fuck Dummies" that are clearly doing this for drug money.

This mostly applies to the girls that do porn. Its just sad to watch the vacant expression on on their face as they pretend to enjoy their current predicament. These girls obviously are the girls that didn't graduate high school because they were to busy banging all the other losers that couldn't make it to class. These people should be attending a poorly funded community college as they try to get their life back together. When looking to pop one off its depressing to think that this persons life may very well be over six months after the scene was taped. These girls aren't going to become stars, they know it, you know it, I know it. Let's let these kids get a chance at a life before they completely fuck things up for themselves. Porno, you're on the verge of going legit its time to act like it, that includes your fuck dummies.

4. The "I can't believe this shit is happening" guy is not very believable.

I don't buy it. Sorry, I don't. As a guy in porn, you work in an industry where getting your dick sucked is not only expected but enforced. Don't act like this shit never happens or you can't believe how far the person is willing to go. Porno pays buy the perversion sir. When you do this you not only insult my intelligence but your own as well. You're also treading into that "creepy guy" territory. Its not becoming of a person with your skill set.

5. Porn stars need better tastes.

Have you seen these people's Myspace pages. For the most part they share the same interest as the people that follow and participate in backyard wrestling. Thats putting my spank session within six degrees of a meth lab and the Insane Clown Posse. No thank you.

6. Its time for Ron Jeremy to retire.

Sorry but my dick is scared of running across this guy. See request 1-5.

Thank you porno for taking the time to consider my proposals. Let me know how these work for you.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Thank You For Your Interest In DanCo.

Hello,

My name is Dan, President, Founder, CEO and Sole Shareholder of the exciting new company DanCo, where "We Believe in the Future of Ideas." Over the course of this blog we at DanCo. Hope to bring you the future of the world as we see it from topics ranging from: Proper Office Behavior to things we think are funny. Get ready world wide web for another footnote in the already expanding waste of time that is you!