I'm Just Coming To Terms With The Fact That I'm The Weird Office Guy

You never think its gonna be you, but thats the kind of thinking that leads to office weirdness. I mean it's kind of like being the black sheep of the family. You look around and you think to yourself "Hey everyone I'm related too is leading pretty great lives. They all own homes, hold down steady good paying jobs, they have no outstanding arrest records, they don't drive a van. We're pretty lucky that we don't have any screw-ups in the fam... waaaiiit a second." I am not the black sheep in my family by the way. I dodged that bullet. I could say who they are but in a effort to keep christmas as uncomfortable as it already is I am going to keep quiet. However I am the office weird guy and I guess I've always been, although until now it's never really hit me. 

Let me try and explain how this sad existence came to be. My first job was as a dietary aide at a nursing home with mostly cute girls and a friend of mine. My buddy, who thankfully is less weird than me, gets my schtick or at least he has always been a big enough dude to laugh when I make a funny. There were also a few of the girls that thought my quirkiness was funny. So yeah. Then I worked on a maintenance crew with all jockey dudes that liked shitty cuntry music. The good and bad thing was I always got/had to work alone. So there were no real opportunities to spread weirdness. Then I was the night manager at a hotel. So it was just me and our porter. Yeah I was strange there but the porter had an off beat sense of humor as well. We got along great. I would do things like, when he got to work I would pretend that everything was in slow motion. He would slap me upside the head and say something in spanish. He knew he could say anything mean or otherwise because I still can speak the language. DAMN YOU HIGH SCHOOL LANGUAGE CLASSES. Wait that was my fault too. Anywho, now I'm working at a TV station in a rural community, with a staff of mostly middle aged women. They do not get me and I don't get them. It's a tense stand off at the moment. People are nice and smile but under the surface I feel as though they are just waiting to throw my ass in a blender.

So yeah, after going along thinking everything was cool, that I was totally approachable. I'm weird. Just tact a plate to my forehead so people can read it upon meeting me. The worst part is now that I know I'm the weird guy I can't stop. It's almost like I'm testing myself to see how I can outdo myself. One day I'm doing my Barney The Dinosaur impression where I say really dirty stuff, the next I'm writing an uncomfortably erotic gay fan-fiction about my station weatherman and our engineer. Sure its funny sometimes, but I'm afraid that I've removed the filter and the crazy is just gonna keep coming.

I need a new job. 

Then maybe, just maybe I can start a new office life. 

Laters,

Dan "The Man"