I Bet I Would Make A Great Alcoholic Dad

Let me just start by saying as man in his late-early twenties/ early-mid twenties, I'm not sure which at the moment I need to look at a calendar, I am not a fan of children. If you're between the ages of 0-18 I find that I cannot communicate or relate to you or I find you annoying and think your music is dumb. I also understand that I was probably hard to relate to or annoying when I was that age; Its a part of growing up dammit. Children honestly scare the shit out of me sometimes. 

At the TV where I work we do a Santa Show every year. The show is basically a half hour of little shits sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what they want for Christmas. Riveting TV no? But when I go into the studio with them and they all surround me, I feel myself quite literally on the verge of a panic attack. Just the thought of being pulled down into the sea of runny noses and partially toothless grins is enough to make my skin crawl.

Putting these fears aside, I figure if I ever wind up having a kid one day I consider it my obligation to make sure that kid grows up funny. Not funny ha ha mind you but funny like touched in the head. Here are some of my plan to screw up my child/ children's life.

1. I will give them a name the will grow to resent me for.

Giving my kid a name that will stand out on the first day of school and make them an outcast is a key part of making my child of source of entertainment for me. A list of possible names: Gizby, Barnabues, Iwetmybedlastnight, Legal Obligation, Benalith.

2. I plan to teach my child/children to speak wrong. 

Kids learn to talk by mimicking what those around do. My plan is the throw the english language out the window and see what happens. I'm still not sure how complicated I want to get, though at the moment I think I'll just use simple substitution like, "Look what you banana bread! Shower head am soo table at you right pancake! Kindergarten this mess right pancake!" The trick is going to be caring enough to do this everyday.

3. I will my child/children crave my approval.

The backbone to truly great alcoholic parenting in my opinion is the ability to be mean but have moments of sounding like a caring parent. Picking the right moment can be the difference between the kid running away from home at 12 and the kid on an analysts couch for the rest of their life. I plan to set aside all rhyme and reason when I come to congratulating my kids on their achievements. For Example

"Dad I just won the spelling bee!" "So that doesn't change the fact that you're the reason your mother left."

"Hey sport I just wanted to say the way you made my drink the other day was just great. Keep it up. I'm proud of you. I know you're gonna do great things." Moments laters as the child brings me another drink, "What the hell do call this shit. Its a rum & coke! Its almost impossible to fuck it up. But you found a way. You always find a way to screw things up. You know you're the reason why I drink."

4. I will NOT ever hit my kid/kids

Its not my style. Verbal abuse should be enough to get the job done.

My hope is my parenting will be so shoddy that the state just takes responsibility for me.

Ladies... I'm single.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

The Delicate Art Of Taking A Public Dump

I wrote this one a while ago but I though I should share it.

Here are some helpful tips the next time you need to poo in a public area.

1. The Courtesy Flush- A very important technique that should be applied to all public restroom visits. For years there has a great been debate as to what a courtesy flush is intended for. Is it when you flush away the early remains of your poo to cut down on the inevitable offensive oder, or is it when you flush for a second time after you've completed your excremental foray to assure that any and all leaving are gone for good. This argument has been dividing families ever since the creation of the term "john". "But what is the answer?" You may ask. Turns out its both. Now I know that nowadays its "groovy" to want to save the planet and go all "green" but when you are in public or the home of a friendly acquaintance you need to put your environmental concerns aside because when you find yourself in a public poo situation you're gonna be asking yourself what more important saving the planet or saving face? Answer- The latter. Even the dirtiest hippies want to make a good impression. So on your next rip to the stall feel free to flush away. A proper public dump should consist of at least 5-7 flushes to ensure maximum shame free pooping.

2. The Crap Gasket*- Ladies are more inclined to use this one. The crap gasket is a technique use to cut down on the noise created when dropping a deuce. How many time have you found yourself going to sit on the porcelain throne and you think you're in for a quick, quiet & discreet poo and the next thing you know your conducting for the Cleveland Brown's whole marching band. When you use this little trick you'll never have to worry about the next time you feel like listening to the band. Unravel some the toilet paper from the roll and pack it in tightly between the bowel and the rim creating a sound proof chamber sealed by your ass. This technique is also wasteful but fellas remember when I said ladies are more inclined to use this one, well have you ever noticed how fast a roll toilet paper seems to disappear hen you share a home with a woman?

3. The Digital Canary*- Whoa whoa whoa what's with all this fancy schmancy machinery you're try'n to sell me here. Not at all, all you need to do is take a step back to the stone ages for a second on this next tip. Much like how real canaries were use in mining to detect harmful natural gas so too can you nose be used for the same purpose. The digital canary is the simplest tool in your arsenal. All that is required of you is to simply hold one of your nostrils closed with a free hand from the moment you enter the lavatory. Then once you've finished with your depositing open your nose, you should notice it has a much stronger sense than the nostril that has been sniffing the air since your excursion began. This techniques basic function is to help you how to handle your post game.

4. Matches- Simple, Compact- & Effective. It's strange to think that the first invention of man, specifically fire, has proven to reinvent its usefulness time and time again. Now most men and a few hep ladies already know the importance of matches for use in the bathroom. But this article is not for the educated it is for the uneducated so step off smarties. Matches are one of the most powerful tools you can use to knock out the smell of even the most horrific poos. Know I know what you must be thinking to yourself, "oh what the hell's he talking about? does he expect me to carry around matches every time I need to drop a deuce? No Way, besides those things smell. Why don't I just carry around a bottle of potpourri?" Well smarty pants potpourri might make your house smell nice but when potpourri goes head to head with poo, it doesn't make things smell nice it just makes it smell like some one took a dump in a flower garden that stings your nose and makes you sneeze. You know this to be true. Matches-1 Potpourri-0

5. Lighten Up- Bathrooms are gross places. In fact that is their sole purpose. People go into them to piss & shit & fart & pick their nose ect. For whatever gross thing the human body does there is a bathroom. Next time your dropping some kids off at the pool outside of the comfort of your own home remember odds are there's some else in the stall right next to you worrying about the same things you are. So lighten up, you gotta poop, go poop. Lord knows when you hold it in you're in for trouble later. Right? Yeah, we've all been there, you're in public and you gotta drop one but you don't want to use the bathrooms so you wait. The next thing you know there's pressure building and you gotta fart real bad but you don't cause you're embarrassed. Then it starts to hurt and you think your gonna die on the card ride home. As soon as you pull into the drive way all you can think about in sitting on that throne but you don't want to run cause if you do that shit's* gonna come flying out of you. so you take little awkward stupid steps up the stairs, which is killing you by the way, and you finally make it to the bathroom and you sit down on the toilet and you spend the next forty five minute to an hour sitting there with all this pressure but nothings gonna come out after the first cannon fire out your anus. maybe a couple of times you think its over and you stand up but the feeling hits you again and you have to sit back down but you've already put your pant's back on, so there another little inconvenience. And that shit burns don't it? Yeah boy. So the moral of the story is when you gotta poop don't wait just poop.

6. Port-A-Johns- I avoid these mother fuckers like the plague. All that stuff I said about poop when you gotta poop, not with these fuckers. You're at the county fair and you gotta drop one and all they got is these things JUST SAY NOOOOOO! You sit in one of those bad boys get ready to get like ten kinds of herpes and all sorts of aids. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

*The crap gasket and the digital canary were from achewood. You aint heard of achewood, check it out www.achewood.com 
*"shit" is not meant to be shit but stuff*
*That "stuff" being shit.

I'm Just Coming To Terms With The Fact That I'm The Weird Office Guy

You never think its gonna be you, but thats the kind of thinking that leads to office weirdness. I mean it's kind of like being the black sheep of the family. You look around and you think to yourself "Hey everyone I'm related too is leading pretty great lives. They all own homes, hold down steady good paying jobs, they have no outstanding arrest records, they don't drive a van. We're pretty lucky that we don't have any screw-ups in the fam... waaaiiit a second." I am not the black sheep in my family by the way. I dodged that bullet. I could say who they are but in a effort to keep christmas as uncomfortable as it already is I am going to keep quiet. However I am the office weird guy and I guess I've always been, although until now it's never really hit me. 

Let me try and explain how this sad existence came to be. My first job was as a dietary aide at a nursing home with mostly cute girls and a friend of mine. My buddy, who thankfully is less weird than me, gets my schtick or at least he has always been a big enough dude to laugh when I make a funny. There were also a few of the girls that thought my quirkiness was funny. So yeah. Then I worked on a maintenance crew with all jockey dudes that liked shitty cuntry music. The good and bad thing was I always got/had to work alone. So there were no real opportunities to spread weirdness. Then I was the night manager at a hotel. So it was just me and our porter. Yeah I was strange there but the porter had an off beat sense of humor as well. We got along great. I would do things like, when he got to work I would pretend that everything was in slow motion. He would slap me upside the head and say something in spanish. He knew he could say anything mean or otherwise because I still can speak the language. DAMN YOU HIGH SCHOOL LANGUAGE CLASSES. Wait that was my fault too. Anywho, now I'm working at a TV station in a rural community, with a staff of mostly middle aged women. They do not get me and I don't get them. It's a tense stand off at the moment. People are nice and smile but under the surface I feel as though they are just waiting to throw my ass in a blender.

So yeah, after going along thinking everything was cool, that I was totally approachable. I'm weird. Just tact a plate to my forehead so people can read it upon meeting me. The worst part is now that I know I'm the weird guy I can't stop. It's almost like I'm testing myself to see how I can outdo myself. One day I'm doing my Barney The Dinosaur impression where I say really dirty stuff, the next I'm writing an uncomfortably erotic gay fan-fiction about my station weatherman and our engineer. Sure its funny sometimes, but I'm afraid that I've removed the filter and the crazy is just gonna keep coming.

I need a new job. 

Then maybe, just maybe I can start a new office life. 

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

C'mon porno it's time to get your head out of your ass

Unless you're making a fetish video. No seriously.

Now I know for a fact that anyone who has ever spent a least 35 seconds on the internet has seen porn in some form or another, be it low res jpegs of girls flashing a camera phone or high quality streaming full length videos. So basically, what I'm saying should not be totally lost on you. Porn is basically the easiest money maker on the planet more so than energy services, auto manufacturers, communications services the list goes on. The simple fact of the matter is people are going to pay to see people fuck. There are some websites out there that charge around $30 a month sometimes more for access. Now that's about as much as people are paying for the internet service that provides them with the ability to buy porn. Don't even get me started on what is cost to buy a single video or dvd in a store, $30 and up. That kind of markup is insane, especially when you consider what the average cost to produce and distribute a single movie is.

The following is a list of a few simple suggestions for the pornography industry to help clean up their act and hopefully give a little back to the consumers that help buy them all those private jets they love to ride in.

1. Get rid of the creepy ugly guy.

You know the one I mean. The guy with uncomfortably too much body hair and the sleazy attitude. I do not share this man's joy about getting to rail the dumb blonde they convinced $50 is good money to appear in a porno. Yes these men are well endowed but that should not be the only requirement for appearing in an adult film. Also porno get rid of the scumbags that are not necessarily ugly but sure are creepy. The dudes that seem to have never left the frat-house mentality behind. It's hard to enjoy two people boning while the guy is douchely high-fiving every other dude within arms reach. If your objective as a porno is to help the viewer project themselves into the scene, do you really think its beneficial to have your subject be so uncomfortable to watch that the viewer has to contemplate weather or not stop their current jerk session and just read a random Wikipedia article instead?

 

2. Is it that hard to to add a little production value?

I speak of the pornos that are filmed on a cheap video camera in some nasty home or apartment. It's clear that has been no attempt to even make the room presentable. A dirty couch or bare mattress are not really preferable spots to watch people do ultimate hugs. This is the kind of environment that crack addicts fuck in. This may just be me but I find the idea of banging in a crack den to be one of the more unsettling ideas I can think of. Which brings me to my next point...

3. Don't hire "Actors" or "Fuck Dummies" that are clearly doing this for drug money.

This mostly applies to the girls that do porn. Its just sad to watch the vacant expression on on their face as they pretend to enjoy their current predicament. These girls obviously are the girls that didn't graduate high school because they were to busy banging all the other losers that couldn't make it to class. These people should be attending a poorly funded community college as they try to get their life back together. When looking to pop one off its depressing to think that this persons life may very well be over six months after the scene was taped. These girls aren't going to become stars, they know it, you know it, I know it. Let's let these kids get a chance at a life before they completely fuck things up for themselves. Porno, you're on the verge of going legit its time to act like it, that includes your fuck dummies.

4. The "I can't believe this shit is happening" guy is not very believable.

I don't buy it. Sorry, I don't. As a guy in porn, you work in an industry where getting your dick sucked is not only expected but enforced. Don't act like this shit never happens or you can't believe how far the person is willing to go. Porno pays buy the perversion sir. When you do this you not only insult my intelligence but your own as well. You're also treading into that "creepy guy" territory. Its not becoming of a person with your skill set.

5. Porn stars need better tastes.

Have you seen these people's Myspace pages. For the most part they share the same interest as the people that follow and participate in backyard wrestling. Thats putting my spank session within six degrees of a meth lab and the Insane Clown Posse. No thank you.

6. Its time for Ron Jeremy to retire.

Sorry but my dick is scared of running across this guy. See request 1-5.

Thank you porno for taking the time to consider my proposals. Let me know how these work for you.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"

Thank You For Your Interest In DanCo.

Hello,

My name is Dan, President, Founder, CEO and Sole Shareholder of the exciting new company DanCo, where "We Believe in the Future of Ideas." Over the course of this blog we at DanCo. Hope to bring you the future of the world as we see it from topics ranging from: Proper Office Behavior to things we think are funny. Get ready world wide web for another footnote in the already expanding waste of time that is you!