I Bet I Would Make A Great Alcoholic Dad

Let me just start by saying as man in his late-early twenties/ early-mid twenties, I'm not sure which at the moment I need to look at a calendar, I am not a fan of children. If you're between the ages of 0-18 I find that I cannot communicate or relate to you or I find you annoying and think your music is dumb. I also understand that I was probably hard to relate to or annoying when I was that age; Its a part of growing up dammit. Children honestly scare the shit out of me sometimes. 

At the TV where I work we do a Santa Show every year. The show is basically a half hour of little shits sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what they want for Christmas. Riveting TV no? But when I go into the studio with them and they all surround me, I feel myself quite literally on the verge of a panic attack. Just the thought of being pulled down into the sea of runny noses and partially toothless grins is enough to make my skin crawl.

Putting these fears aside, I figure if I ever wind up having a kid one day I consider it my obligation to make sure that kid grows up funny. Not funny ha ha mind you but funny like touched in the head. Here are some of my plan to screw up my child/ children's life.

1. I will give them a name the will grow to resent me for.

Giving my kid a name that will stand out on the first day of school and make them an outcast is a key part of making my child of source of entertainment for me. A list of possible names: Gizby, Barnabues, Iwetmybedlastnight, Legal Obligation, Benalith.

2. I plan to teach my child/children to speak wrong. 

Kids learn to talk by mimicking what those around do. My plan is the throw the english language out the window and see what happens. I'm still not sure how complicated I want to get, though at the moment I think I'll just use simple substitution like, "Look what you banana bread! Shower head am soo table at you right pancake! Kindergarten this mess right pancake!" The trick is going to be caring enough to do this everyday.

3. I will my child/children crave my approval.

The backbone to truly great alcoholic parenting in my opinion is the ability to be mean but have moments of sounding like a caring parent. Picking the right moment can be the difference between the kid running away from home at 12 and the kid on an analysts couch for the rest of their life. I plan to set aside all rhyme and reason when I come to congratulating my kids on their achievements. For Example

"Dad I just won the spelling bee!" "So that doesn't change the fact that you're the reason your mother left."

"Hey sport I just wanted to say the way you made my drink the other day was just great. Keep it up. I'm proud of you. I know you're gonna do great things." Moments laters as the child brings me another drink, "What the hell do call this shit. Its a rum & coke! Its almost impossible to fuck it up. But you found a way. You always find a way to screw things up. You know you're the reason why I drink."

4. I will NOT ever hit my kid/kids

Its not my style. Verbal abuse should be enough to get the job done.

My hope is my parenting will be so shoddy that the state just takes responsibility for me.

Ladies... I'm single.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"