I'm totally getting paid to write this shit.

I write these at work so when you think about it I am kind of getting paid to write this. I'm currently employed as a TV commercial producer for a small station in North Dakota, the place where everything goes to die. I wouldn't consider myself a bad employee but a lazy one, yes. I like to think of fucking off at work to be a kind of an art form. How do I make it look as though I'm so busy I couldn't possibly help with any other project that is going on. Well if you'd like to be like me here's some tips to help you get away with murder at work.

1. Office setup is key

If you work in a cubical I'm not sure if I can help you. Cubicles seem to be designed so your boss can look over you shoulder sometimes with you knowing. On the other hand if you're an office dweller I believe I can help. The key is to set up your office so no one can see what you're doing. Arrange your desk so when you sit at it you face the door. That way anyone that walks to talk to you will see you looking at the computer and assume you're working. If they want to walk around to see what you're working on make sure to follow this next step.

2. Tabbed browsing is a slacker's best friend

I could kiss the genius that invented tabbed browsing. Thanks to this little gem I'm just seconds away from making it look as though I'm "just checking my email" when in reality I was probably reading achewood or a Wikipedia article about Riot Grrl. 

3. Always be kind of working

If you've got a project to work on, keep going back to it about every ten minutes; that way if some one catches you off guard you can always say you were actually working. Remember the key to the slacking off at work is to do enough work to look like you're actually doing your job.

4. Be aware of your surroundings

When I'm at work I have ears like a safe cracker. The office building I work in is fairly small so I can here when someone is walking out of their office towards mine. These few seconds are all I need to get myself in motion where it looks as though I'm shuffling between things in my office. This also helps me when I stand around talking with our secretary. Anytime the door opens I make the quick slide so it looks like I'm just walking into somewhere from somewhere important. Being aware of you surrounding also means knowing who else is in the office with you. Keep in mind while you're having a bitch session about the boss, the person three doors down may not share your opinion and may feel like sharing it with the boss. 

5. Look like shit

Not shaving has lightened my work load more than once. A somewhat disheveled look can suggest to your coworkers that maybe you're a bit over worked at the moment.

Please don't hire me. I'll only make more work for you when you have to fire me.

Laters,

Dan "The Man"