I wrote this one a while ago but I though I should share it.
Here are some helpful tips the next time you need to poo in a public area.
1. The Courtesy Flush- A very important technique that should be applied to all public restroom visits. For years there has a great been debate as to what a courtesy flush is intended for. Is it when you flush away the early remains of your poo to cut down on the inevitable offensive oder, or is it when you flush for a second time after you've completed your excremental foray to assure that any and all leaving are gone for good. This argument has been dividing families ever since the creation of the term "john". "But what is the answer?" You may ask. Turns out its both. Now I know that nowadays its "groovy" to want to save the planet and go all "green" but when you are in public or the home of a friendly acquaintance you need to put your environmental concerns aside because when you find yourself in a public poo situation you're gonna be asking yourself what more important saving the planet or saving face? Answer- The latter. Even the dirtiest hippies want to make a good impression. So on your next rip to the stall feel free to flush away. A proper public dump should consist of at least 5-7 flushes to ensure maximum shame free pooping.
4. Matches- Simple, Compact- & Effective. It's strange to think that the first invention of man, specifically fire, has proven to reinvent its usefulness time and time again. Now most men and a few hep ladies already know the importance of matches for use in the bathroom. But this article is not for the educated it is for the uneducated so step off smarties. Matches are one of the most powerful tools you can use to knock out the smell of even the most horrific poos. Know I know what you must be thinking to yourself, "oh what the hell's he talking about? does he expect me to carry around matches every time I need to drop a deuce? No Way, besides those things smell. Why don't I just carry around a bottle of potpourri?" Well smarty pants potpourri might make your house smell nice but when potpourri goes head to head with poo, it doesn't make things smell nice it just makes it smell like some one took a dump in a flower garden that stings your nose and makes you sneeze. You know this to be true. Matches-1 Potpourri-0
5. Lighten Up- Bathrooms are gross places. In fact that is their sole purpose. People go into them to piss & shit & fart & pick their nose ect. For whatever gross thing the human body does there is a bathroom. Next time your dropping some kids off at the pool outside of the comfort of your own home remember odds are there's some else in the stall right next to you worrying about the same things you are. So lighten up, you gotta poop, go poop. Lord knows when you hold it in you're in for trouble later. Right? Yeah, we've all been there, you're in public and you gotta drop one but you don't want to use the bathrooms so you wait. The next thing you know there's pressure building and you gotta fart real bad but you don't cause you're embarrassed. Then it starts to hurt and you think your gonna die on the card ride home. As soon as you pull into the drive way all you can think about in sitting on that throne but you don't want to run cause if you do that shit's* gonna come flying out of you. so you take little awkward stupid steps up the stairs, which is killing you by the way, and you finally make it to the bathroom and you sit down on the toilet and you spend the next forty five minute to an hour sitting there with all this pressure but nothings gonna come out after the first cannon fire out your anus. maybe a couple of times you think its over and you stand up but the feeling hits you again and you have to sit back down but you've already put your pant's back on, so there another little inconvenience. And that shit burns don't it? Yeah boy. So the moral of the story is when you gotta poop don't wait just poop.
6. Port-A-Johns- I avoid these mother fuckers like the plague. All that stuff I said about poop when you gotta poop, not with these fuckers. You're at the county fair and you gotta drop one and all they got is these things JUST SAY NOOOOOO! You sit in one of those bad boys get ready to get like ten kinds of herpes and all sorts of aids. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
*The crap gasket and the digital canary were from achewood. You aint heard of achewood, check it out www.achewood.com
*"shit" is not meant to be shit but stuff*
*That "stuff" being shit.
2. The Crap Gasket*- Ladies are more inclined to use this one. The crap gasket is a technique use to cut down on the noise created when dropping a deuce. How many time have you found yourself going to sit on the porcelain throne and you think you're in for a quick, quiet & discreet poo and the next thing you know your conducting for the Cleveland Brown's whole marching band. When you use this little trick you'll never have to worry about the next time you feel like listening to the band. Unravel some the toilet paper from the roll and pack it in tightly between the bowel and the rim creating a sound proof chamber sealed by your ass. This technique is also wasteful but fellas remember when I said ladies are more inclined to use this one, well have you ever noticed how fast a roll toilet paper seems to disappear hen you share a home with a woman?
3. The Digital Canary*- Whoa whoa whoa what's with all this fancy schmancy machinery you're try'n to sell me here. Not at all, all you need to do is take a step back to the stone ages for a second on this next tip. Much like how real canaries were use in mining to detect harmful natural gas so too can you nose be used for the same purpose. The digital canary is the simplest tool in your arsenal. All that is required of you is to simply hold one of your nostrils closed with a free hand from the moment you enter the lavatory. Then once you've finished with your depositing open your nose, you should notice it has a much stronger sense than the nostril that has been sniffing the air since your excursion began. This techniques basic function is to help you how to handle your post game.
5. Lighten Up- Bathrooms are gross places. In fact that is their sole purpose. People go into them to piss & shit & fart & pick their nose ect. For whatever gross thing the human body does there is a bathroom. Next time your dropping some kids off at the pool outside of the comfort of your own home remember odds are there's some else in the stall right next to you worrying about the same things you are. So lighten up, you gotta poop, go poop. Lord knows when you hold it in you're in for trouble later. Right? Yeah, we've all been there, you're in public and you gotta drop one but you don't want to use the bathrooms so you wait. The next thing you know there's pressure building and you gotta fart real bad but you don't cause you're embarrassed. Then it starts to hurt and you think your gonna die on the card ride home. As soon as you pull into the drive way all you can think about in sitting on that throne but you don't want to run cause if you do that shit's* gonna come flying out of you. so you take little awkward stupid steps up the stairs, which is killing you by the way, and you finally make it to the bathroom and you sit down on the toilet and you spend the next forty five minute to an hour sitting there with all this pressure but nothings gonna come out after the first cannon fire out your anus. maybe a couple of times you think its over and you stand up but the feeling hits you again and you have to sit back down but you've already put your pant's back on, so there another little inconvenience. And that shit burns don't it? Yeah boy. So the moral of the story is when you gotta poop don't wait just poop.
6. Port-A-Johns- I avoid these mother fuckers like the plague. All that stuff I said about poop when you gotta poop, not with these fuckers. You're at the county fair and you gotta drop one and all they got is these things JUST SAY NOOOOOO! You sit in one of those bad boys get ready to get like ten kinds of herpes and all sorts of aids. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
*The crap gasket and the digital canary were from achewood. You aint heard of achewood, check it out www.achewood.com
*"shit" is not meant to be shit but stuff*
*That "stuff" being shit.
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